Who Needs A Date?

Story of my first date. We made plans to go to Aquatica (Orlando water park) because I have a seasonal pass. We made plans way ahead of time. Everything was set and I brought a non refundable ticket for him. He was just supposed to pay for the food, locker, ect. He tells me that day he forgot about an appointment he had so he's be a little late. Hours pass, so I tell him that I'll meet him there since I live farther. I'm almost there, he calls and tells me he can't make it and if we can go another day. Since I was already just about there and it was HOT, I went in and spend the whole day alone. Going on the rides (that I could actually get on because 90% you need more than one person) alone, watching the families and couples, wave pool alone, eating ice cream alone...seriously, probably the loneliest I've ever been. Who goes to a water park alone? Then, it started raining.

Never talked to him again after that. Worst and First "date" - Canceled on me. To make it worse, my mom and sisters asked how it went because I hardly ever go out and I don't have a lot of friends. I lied and told them it was great and everything because I was too embarrassed to tell them what really happened.

 

-Anonymous

I See London I See France... I Wish I Saw Your Underpants...

I was at a bouncy house with my best friend at the time and we were going through a bouncy maze thing and you had to squeeze through this one thing and when i did it made my pants come down.. Like underwear and everything, in front of a little girl and her mom. I pulled up my pants real fast and then a little later i heard the little girl ask her mom "isnt that the girl whos pants fell down?" I DIED! :( prolly top 3 most embarssing moments of my life.

-T

Don't Mind Me...

Every year, I run a 50 mile race through the mountains. It usually takes around 12-14 hours and there are little to no bathroom along the way. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom, and it was a little more than just pee... So, I went to the side of the trail, pulled down my pants, and started to go. When I was in the middle of doing my business, a guy came around the corner and saw me, butt naked, taking a dump. We made eye contact, said hello, and then he went on his merry way. So embarrassing.

-K.E.

What Happens in Tel Aviv, Stays in Tel Aviv..

I attended a Semester abroad in Jerusalem, Israel in the Fall of 1993.  Upon leaving, I knew very few of the students that were traveling with me. However, by the time we left to come back home, many of them knew me better than I would ever want them to.  My nickname became Princess Di, and this is how I earned the name.

 

After being in Jerusalem for about 2-3 weeks we all heard that Michael Jackson would be performing a concert in Tel Aviv the very next weekend.  There were about 10 of us who really wanted to go and paid the price for a ticket and our transportation to get to Tel Aviv.  We all shared a taxi, called a Sharut in Israel. 

 

We arrived in plenty of time to get dinner before the concert. One of the most popular places was the American restaurant, Hard Rock Café.  Most of my group voted on that and were excited for some American cuisine after 3 weeks of Israeli food.  I don’tremember what I ordered I only remember how my food made me feel later! 

 

After eating we went to the outdoor arena where the concert was to be held.  We arrived before the gates opened.  We were among the very first to run through the gates to the front row of the general admission area.  (Among the first of several thousand Israeli’s behind us.)  Once into this special area, they roped it off and if you were to leave this area you would not be admitted back. 

 

We were “roped in” 3 hours before the concert even began.  We were so packed in we could hardly move.  There was so much pushing and shoving and even people who were passing out because of the heat and dehydration.  After about an hour of waiting, I began to feel a little sick to my stomach.  I began to panick just a little and look around for a bathroom.  The only bathroom available was beyond the roped off area and about 100 yards away.  I knew if I left to use the bathroom, I would not find my group of friends (that I had just met 3 weeks earlier) again. I decided that if I was distracted enough I would forget about the sick stomach and the need to go to the bathroom would go away.  

 

Not the case! After about another hour, my slightly sick stomach was now twisting and churning.  I really was panicked now.  The concert was still an hour away from beginning and at least 2 hours of the show.  I knew that I would not be able to wait. After a few tears started streaming down my face, I decided to tell my friends my dilemma.  It was a group of 8 guys and 1 girl and they had a plan.  It was definitely a “boy scout” type of plan and I was not happy about it.  

 

They all formed a circle around me the best they could pushing the local people back a bit to try and give me room.  They handed me a CLEAR plastic bag and said “squat!”  What?  They couldn’t be serious. They were! At this point I had no choice! It was in the bag or in my pants.  With tears in my eyes I decided in the bag was a better choice.  All this for Michael Jackson? Totally!

 

When I finished, I was not sure what to do with the bag. My friend told me to hand it to her and she would dispose of it.  Not knowing what she would do, she took the bag and threw it as far as she could!  To this day, I am wondering who the person is that is telling the story of the time they got hit with a bag of pooh at the Michael Jackson concert in Tel Aviv, Israel!

 

-Anon

57 Strikes, You're Out

Alright... it's a long one. But don't ditch it yet! This horrible date/ first kiss story will leave you looking at your Friday nights with a new perspective. Trust me, this one's hard to beat. And I can confirm that it's all true, for one those "four giggly girls" that night.... was me.

One time I was randomly texted by a kid that used to be in my freshman English class. He moved out of the country and was coming back to visit for a few weeks. We were never really friends he just had a weird infatuation with me. He wanted to meet up and do something fun. Me hoping time had done wonders on his adolescent features, agreed to hanging out with him on a Saturday evening. A few days later my group of friends decided to have a girls night that same evening I made plans with this kid. We were going to meet up and get dinner at a sushi bar close by. So I agreed to attend both things. I was going to hang out with this kid at the arcade from 6-8 and then meet up with my friends from 8 until we were done. This plan was going to work perfectly given the fact that the places I was going to go were walking distances away from each other. As that Saturday rolled a round I realized I had to be the one to drive, and of course the only person who was going to let me use there car was my mother. As I rolled up to the arcade in my mothers mini van I texted him asking him where he was. He told me he was on his way and would be there shortly. I waited in the car for about 15 minutes until he finally texted me telling me he was waiting just inside the doors. I made my way to the entrance and started looking around. I expected to see someone similar but completely different from the kid I knew from English class. I looked around for awhile and didn't see him. So naturally I went straight to the bathroom to not make my myself look dumb searching for someone who wasn't there. I went back out and told myself I was going to look just once more and if I didn't find him I would leave and go home. As I made my way toward the exit again I saw a familiar face. One that hadn't changed for the better, the only thing missing was the train tracks in his mouth. We went up to each other and gave each other a hug. Everything from then I feel went down hill. He didn't know what to do at the arcade so I had to make all the decisions. He was a complete mess. We exchanged our tickets for prizes and decided to get some ice cream. We waited for a really long while and finally made it to the register to pay. The cashier told us the total and I waited for him to take out his wallet. He looked up at me expecting me to pull out my money, he tried to make me pay but I gave him a look that meant "what the heck are you doing be a gentleman and pay the lady" he reluctantly pulled out his wallet and handed the cashier a crumpled 20 dollar bill. We eat our ice cream surrounded by awkward conversation. I told him I had to leave soon so he called his siblings to come get him. They told him they would be there in about half an hour. I dreaded the fact they couldn't be there sooner but I kept a positive perspective and told myself what's half an hour. We finished and decided to make our way up to the second floor of the arcade to watch the people down below board on the flow rider. We sat by the big windows over looking the flowing water and talked about music. As we talked we realized that we liked completely different types of music and the conversation started to run dry. To distract myself I looked out the glass at the two young girls who you could tell had never experienced the flow rider before. Fall after fall and I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to share it with people. So I took out my phone and recorded it on my snapchat and posted it on my story. I got many snap chats back telling me my story was hilarious and I thought nothing of all the people watching them. Out of nowhere one of my friends from school and soccer came around the corner with her friend and we saw each other. We hugged and talked for a brief moment then she went about her day. I returned to the awful conversation with this boy and tried to revive it with questions. To all of them he was able to answer in either a few words or sentences. It was time for us to say our goodbyes and For me to make my way to the sushi place as I was running late. He called his siblings to see if they were there yet, but of course with my luck they hadn't even left yet. As he gets off the phone I could hear giggling from around the corner. I looked over and didn't see anything but a bobbing bun hiding behind wall. I walked over there knowing exactly who it was. Four giggling teenage girls who I was supposed to be meeting for sushi in a few minutes. They asked me what I was doing and I asked them how they found me. One of them reviled they saw my snap chat story and put the pieces together. Crap. So I brought them over to this kid and introduced them to him. I told him we had reservations and so I had to leave. We all went down stairs together to exit the building and I thought we were going to part ways. But no he followed us all around the walking area of the complex. I asked him if his ride was here and he said no. So we continued walking, when one of my friends mentioned that Victoria secret had their famous angel wings on one of their mannequin displays. They then dared someone to go in there and ask of they were for sale. Of course being the only boy and wanting to impress everyone the kid said he would go in, but only if I went in with him. Me being down for stupid things most of the time agreed and went in. Four of us went in while two stayed outside. We walked around for a bit till he maned up enough to ask the lady. We got to the front of the store. And he dragged me up there and began asking the poor girl if they had any of those wings for sale for his girlfriend as he motioned towards me. I was in complete shock as I didn't know this kid from Adam but I tried to keep a straight face to keep the joke believable. She nicely told us that sometimes they put them up for sale online and we could check there. We thanked her and walked out of there as my friends tried to keep from bursting out in laughter prematurely. That moment I told myself I was never going to be able to set foot in that Victoria secret again. We wondered our way over to the sushi place and I told him goodbye expecting him not to continue following us. But he did. He walked in the restaurant with us. I could not get rid of him. We were showed to our table and he of course sat himself down with us. I felt so bad. This was supposed to be a dinner for just us girls. Not just us girls and the strange kid who wouldn't stop following us. We all came to the realization that he wasn't going to leave before we ordered so we went ahead and told the waitress our orders. We got our food and of course you know that every plate of sushi comes with it's own heaps of ginger and wasabi. We dared each other to put as much wasabi as we could in our mouths and keep it down. We each took small portions and kept them down. But then this kid wanted to top it all. He shoved the whole chunk of wasabi into his mouth and struggled to keep it in there. He couldn't handle it anymore so he made quick dash for the door. He was gone for quite awhile and us girls talked about things we would normally talk about while not in the presence of a boy. He made his way back with his eyes watering trying to keep it together. I was then dared to consume a huge portion as well. I did all I could to keep it down but I needed to leave. I made my way to the door and emptied the contents of my mouth on the sidewalk. As I lifted my head up I realized the kid had followed me out. Before I could stand up all the way and wipe my mouth he gave me the weirdest hug anyone could ever give or receive. We made our way back awkwardly and sat back down. We rapped up our dinner and made our way out. As we passed a big snow heap he pointed out the exact spot where he threw up his wasabi. Awesome right? Us girls made the agreement to meet up at one of our houses to eat cookies and talk for a minute, so we made our way towards our cars. I asked him if his siblings were ever going to come get him and he said no. So he followed me to my car so I could take him home. We made the silent journey to his house and parked right in front. He told me he had a good time and I agreed to be polite. We then went in for a hug but it didn't go the way it should have. I positioned my head to the side of his like you normally would for a hug but he didn't do the same. Instead he wrapped his face around and tried to kiss me. He completely missed. The whole situation got super super awkward. He left the car and went into his house. I made my way as fast as I could to meet my friends and tell them the events of the night.

-A.P.

Pardon My French

I was trying to show off my French to my French neighbor when I asked to borrow his mattress: "Je voudrais emprunter votre maîtresse." As it turns out, the word "maîtresse" means "mistress". When he asked me why I wanted to borrow his "maîtresse", I answered, "to sleep with"!  

-F.B.

The High Pitched Squeal

The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree.... here's a story from dad himself.

When I was in high school, I say in the front of the room in my geometry class and a cute girl I liked at right behind me. One day while everyone was taking a test and the room was  completely silent, I could feel a toot coming on and I couldn't suppress it any more. I figured that if I could sit just right and spread my butt cheeks apart a little that I might be able to ease out a little gas silently. But to my great embarrassment, it squeaked out loudly like a high pitched squeal which was amplified by my chair. I could hear chuckles, and so I clunked my head down on the desk in total shame!
No one said anything until a few days later when at an assembly, one of my friends said "Hey Warner! I heard ya let a raunchy one in geometry class!" I asked him who told him, and he referred to the girl who was sitting behind me. /:  I never wanted to go to that class and when I finally did, the girl had decided to sit somewhere else!

- Dad